Andrew Luck Has Been in Europe Getting Special Treatment for Weeks and I Think Its Time To Address It

Source - Indianapolis Colts coach Chuck Pagano says Andrew Luck is "making progress" as he continues to undergo rehab in Europe.

Pagano made the announcement Monday. He says the Colts have been in touch with Luck through email and text messages.

Luck has not played since having surgery in January on his throwing shoulder after playing the entire 2016 season with a partially torn labrum.

It looked like Luck might return after returning to practice in October. But when the pain lingered, Luck sought additional opinions and eventually Indianapolis put him on season-ending injured reserve in November.

At the time, general manager Chris Ballard said he did not believe Luck will need additional surgery.

Luck has not answered questions since going on injured reserve.



As I'm sure everyone reading this is well aware, Andrew Luck has been in Europe for a month now getting some sort of non FDA approved treatment done on his shoulder.  The procedure itself is completely fine with me.  Tons of athletes have gone over there for a couple of weeks to get this special type of treatment from the team that developed it.  My problem with those athletes is that they were all at or close to being at the end of their careers.  Luck is 28 and supposed to getting ready to enter his age 29 season - his prime years.  And he's getting a procedure done that typically is used to elongate the twilight years of several people's careers.

I know I said I wasn't really nervous before, but I am officially taking this opportunity to proclaim my nervousness.  Getting back on the field shouldn't be an issue, I still 100% see Luck coming back to play football.  My question now is how long will he be able to play football for?  Kobe started doing this type of procedure in 2012 and retired 4 seasons later, Peyton Manning was a similar case after his neck injury.  Tracy McGrady did it to get a few more years out of his knees, but it seems like that's pretty much all you get - a few more years.  It just sucks to think that we may lose a generational quarterback like Andrew Luck to an irreversible injury just as he is supposed to be entering his prime years.  Let's just hope that isn't the case.  Personally, I would much rather watch him toss for 4,000 yards and 35 touchdowns next year instead of having to watch another offense like this one but that's just me. 

Jose Canseco Takes To Twitter To Address The Recent Sexual Misconduct Scandals

What is going on with all these politicians molesting women I've been molested by several women and never complained

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

Well I mean I've been beaten by women taken advantage of by women and molested by women I never complain but it was kind of a turn-on

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

I see the difference I guess cuz I was a good-looking guy and these politicians look like a bag of boogers

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

These women complaining against sexual misconduct are just racist against ugly men

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

Any time a major social or political scandal breaks, I typically like to sit back and let the facts come out from both sides before making any judgment.  Sometimes it's wise to allow the truth to unfold instead of jumping at the first sign of scandal.  Then once the dust has settled I like to check in with Jose Canseco to see what he has to say about it because he almost always has the most interesting perspective on the matter at hand.  Is he usually right?  No, actually, quite the opposite.  He usually gets way off topic and confuses not only himself, but everyone else witnessing.

Here we have Canseco's take on the recent sexual misconduct scandals breaking nationwide.  Initially Jose tries to empathize, saying he too had been molested in the past.  But before anyone can mistake his "shared struggle" for empathy, he immediately does a 180 and tries to big league everyone by saying he never complained.  Kind of a bold move to basically call sexual assault victims pussies and snitches, but hey Jose Canseco is kind of a bold guy.  

What is going on with all these politicians molesting women I've been molested by several women and never complained

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

Then he takes it a step further.  Not only did he not complain about these injustices, but they actually made him horny!  At this point we come to realize that Jose Canseco doesn't really understand what being molested means.  Even without any sort of sexual context, the word 'molest' basically means bother, pester, harass.  An unwanted or undesired advance.  Jose readily admits that he welcomed said advances, thus hinting at the fact that he does not in fact understand what molestation is.  Fascinating stuff.  

Well I mean I've been beaten by women taken advantage of by women and molested by women I never complain but it was kind of a turn-on

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

Now Jose thinks he's got it all figured out.  So you see, because he was a good looking dude it wasn't molestation when he banged those chicks, BUT if he "looked like a bag of boogers" then it would be...

I see the difference I guess cuz I was a good-looking guy and these politicians look like a bag of boogers

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

...So this is a little worrisome...At this point I'm pretty sure Jose is unknowingly hinting at the fact that he may have sexually harassed a few women in his day and is just now "realizing" that they haven't publicly accused him of it because he was hotter than these political nerds.  Honestly I never really know what he's trying to get at so we should probably just keep moving on.

These women complaining against sexual misconduct are just racist against ugly men

— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 12, 2017

And then to convolute things even further, Jose basically admits he doesn't fully understand what racist means because he confuses it with prejudiced.  And that's why I love Jose Canseco on Twitter.  He's the only person whose tweets consistently provide me with significantly more questions than answers.  

The Thirteenth Severed Human Foot Washes Ashore in British Columbia Since 2007, Police Suspect No Foul Play...Wait What?

Source - Canadians are asking questions after a foot popping up along a British Columbia beach, this week, was found to be the 13th one discovered on the coastline over the past decade.  A man walking his dog discovered the 13th foot, found in a shoe along with part of a lower leg, on Thusday. It is unknown who that foot belonged to. 

'Our early analysis suggests these are human remains and we will do further investigation and testing ... in the coming weeks,' said Andy Watson, a spokesman for the BC Coroners Service, to CNN. 

A man walking his dog found a foot with a shoe and lower leg on a British Columbia beach this Thursday, making it the 13th to be found on the coastline.  The remains also included a tibia and fibula bone.

According to the Coroners Service, all 12 feet found beforehand were human. Eight of the 13 were even determined to belong to six people.

Foul play is not suspected in any of the cases, but the Coroners Service would not reveal how it came to that conclusion. 

Cause of death for the foot found this week is unknown, but the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) and the Coroners Service are hoping to discover who it belongs to. 

When asked why the feet have washed ashore, Watson said: 'I'm not able to speak to' the reason.  

He added: 'There's no reason to believe that they (the cases) were connected in any way.' 



Serious question Canada: How many severed feet have to mysteriously wash ashore with no explanation in a small area before it gets suspicious?  Thirteen feet an no bodies along a single coastline seems like something that would raise a couple red flags in the States.  I mean cartels in Mexico chop off hands and stuff but we know that, there's a concrete answer.  

"Hey what's that bloody hand doing over there?"

"Somebody must have pissed off the cartel."

"Ah gotcha, that's really fucked up."


But in Canada we have THIRTEEN severed feet and no one's even a little curious.  And I'm not anti-cop by any means, but these mounties seem like they kind of stink at their jobs.  

First of all, there's the fact that they had to bring it to the lab to determine whether or not the remains were human.  Guys, it's an entire shinbone attached to a foot that is still wearing a sock and a shoe, pretty sure that foot belonged to a person.  Add to that their PR savy, saying they can't speak to the reason meaning they don't know the reason, but also clearly stating they have no real intention to investigate.  

I do get what he means about there being no connections.  It is pretty tough to see similarities.  Aside from the fact that they're all severed feet with no accompanying body parts and they are all wearing shoes and were found in a relatively small area there's not much to discuss.  The shoes are all different styles and brands without any distinct patterns.  No code to crack there.







And all of this started in 2007.  One year after Dexter debuted - a show about a serial killer who dumps severed body parts into the ocean - British Columbia starts having severed body parts wash ashore.  Almost a decade later and 13 feet have been found and they still don't have a single working theory!  At least pretend to try mounties, that's all I'm asking.  Bare minimum, tell us a bear ate all of them and the feet are all that's left or some wolves got to them.  Anything at all.  


It goes without saying but we can obviously rule out Rex Ryan as a suspect because there's a negative infinity chance he would ditch the feet of all things.  

Adam Vinatieri Might Lose Half a Million Dollars Because He Had to Kick in a Blizzard

Source - Last season, a kick that went wide right in Week 17 cost Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri $500,000. This year, the snow might have kept Vinatieri from collecting an additional $500,000.

Vinatieri's field goal percentage dropped to 88 percent (22 of 25) after he went 0-for-2 on field goal attempts during blizzardy conditions at New Era Field in Orchard Park, New York, against the Bills on Sunday. He would receive a $500,000 bonus for making 90 percent of his field goal attempts (with a minimum of 16 attempts) this season. He went into Sunday's game having made 95.6 percent (22 of 23) of his field goal attempts.

"The footing for sure [was the toughest]," Vinatieri said after the Colts' 13-7 overtime loss, in which he missed a 43-yard attempt, which would have won the game, and a 33-yard attempt. "Trying to run through snow and get good plant -- that's crazy. If it was just snow and no wind, it's one thing. But you get both of them. It was a tough game."

Vinatieri will have to go at least 5-of-5 on field goals over the next three games in order to get his percentage back up to 90 percent, which in turn will get him the bonus. He has made at least 90 percent of his field goal attempts five times in 21 NFL seasons heading into 2017.



Gotta feel for Vinny here.  That absolutely sucks, getting fucked over by a snowstorm in Buffalo.  Even the greatest kicker to ever do it is going to have a little bit of trouble in a full blown blizzard with swirling winds and several inches of snow on the ground.  And to make things even worse, going a perfect 5-5 over the next 3 games is no easy ask either with the way our offense moves.  We have entire games where we are lucky to even sniff the opponents side of the field so there's always a chance he won't even get enough opportunities to even attempt to qualify.  And on top of that he needs to be perfect.  

Just a real kick in the dick for Vinatieri.  He can't be thrilled with the team's current state, the guy has always been on a winner.  To handle it all with as much class as he does year in and year out is a testament to the dude's character.  Now let's hope the Colts keep their shit together just enough to get Vinny his five chances.  I know I said it's still tough but who do we think we're kidding here, he's a lock to sweep the board.  Even with the two mishaps, he still managed to complete the single greatest extra point ever.  Guy just can't stop won't stop making history.  Absolute nails.

Devin Hester Officially Retires from Football

Source - Kick return specialist Devin Hester has officially announced his retirement after 11 seasons in the NFL.

Hester played for the Baltimore Ravens and Seattle Seahawks last year but has not played in a game this season.

"Over the last year, I've spent time reflecting on my career surrounded by friends and family, and I realized it's time for me to officially retire from the NFL," Hester said in a statement. 

Hester retires with the most career return touchdowns with 20 – 14 punts, five kickoffs and one missed field goal.

He ended his retirement letter by saying that he hopes to see everyone in Canton for a possible Hall of Fame Induction.

CURTAINS ✌🏾 Appreciate all of the love for all these years!!! Y’all made the ride incredible!!! pic.twitter.com/jkcVrRLcNI

— Devin Hester (@D_Hest23) December 12, 2017

Happy trails to the greatest return man the game of football has ever seen.  One of the only reasons it took Hester as long as it did to break the all time record was because people started to actively avoid kicking to him because he was that legitimate of a threat whenever he caught the ball with a little space.  Think about that, teams were willing to sacrifice their field position in order to prevent him from busting one open, because bust ones open he did.  All time record for most returns at 20, 11 of them came in his first two seasons!  Not to mention he took the opening kickoff of the only Super Bowl he played and ran it to the house.  The guy was on an absolutely different level than everyone else, and although I don't think a player has ever been inducted into the Hall of Fame as strictly a return specialist if anyone deserves to be, it's Devin Hester.  Enjoy retirement.

Bonus Dante Hall, second best still deserves a shout out.  

Superstar Freshman PG and Possible Lottery Pick Trae Young is Deathly Afraid of Birds

Source - It was on the other side of the planet this past summer when Trae Young unexpectedly revealed to teammates his one and only phobia. As the Oklahoma star freshman point guard was getting ready to climb the volcanic cone of Mount Eden, which overlooks Auckland, New Zealand, something specific spooked him.

The condition is known as ornithophobia. Trae Young is deathly afraid of birds.

"Then there's a group of [pigeons] at this point," McNeace said. "We ran to the birds to make them fly around. And he took off running in the other direction. Yeah, and when we went over to the rainforest, the little parrots were flying past us," McNeace said. "He was freaking out."

Young doesn't trust birds, doesn't know what he would do if his life flashed before his eyes by coming face-to-beak with a crow, cuckoo, sparrow, spoonbill, goose, grouse, turkey, toucan, flamingo or falcon.

"We were in New Zealand and would go to the beaches and all that stuff," Young said. "You know how birds would be friendly to people? I hate birds. All you see is the ocean, the sand and birds flying over you. The birds trying to eat the crabs in the sand and they're all next to you. I've seen a bird attack one of my friends at my high school in the parking lot. Yeah. It scared her. The bird was by her car, she tried to turn and get in her car but the bird was so scared it just attacked her." 

Teammates suspect this Kevin Hart bit about ostriches has only reinforced Young's avifaunal neurosis. A couple months back, Shepherd, Young and teammate Chris Giles were getting ready to leave the gym. There's a stairwell out from the facility to the parking lot. A pigeon waited in the stairwell, taunting Young. He refused to leave with his teammates and took the long way out to another exit. 

"Like, I don't understand what someone would do if a bird attacked them," Young said. "I don't know how a bird would attack a human, just by poking them with their faces? Or their feet on your face? I'm scared. Flapping their wings: what do you do? Do you grab it? ... And then the big ones, the roadrunners, they're deadly to me. Scary. I can't mess with them. I've had nightmares about birds."



Before we get into the whole bird thing, let's just start with a brief description of Trae Young.  He's a skinny 6'2 PG from Norman, Oklahoma who turned down Kansas and Kentucky to stay at home for an opportunity to be "the guy" at OU.  Now, as a true freshman given precisely that opportunity, he's leading the nation in scoring with 28.8 PPG while also averaging 8.8 assists with a couple of steals.  On top of that, he possesses stupid range and shoots damn near ten 3-pointers a game and converts at a 38% clip.  If he maintains this level of production against Big 12 competition he will almost certainly be a lock for the NBA lottery.  He's a stud, super fun to watch and worth checking out if the Sooners are playing on TV.  Chances are you'll be seeing him in the NBA at some point in the near future and it's always cool to get a look at the next generation.

Now back to those nasty birds.  Believe it or not, Trae Young isn't the only basketball player with ornithophobia.  Once quick google search revealed that Dwyane Wade shares the same fear, along with David Beckham and Eminem, who is more specifically afraid of owls which is weird because how often does one really come across an owl?  Birds in general you see every day but I think I've seen maybe like one owl outside of a zoo in my entire life.  I digress.  

I love when people are afraid of weird things.  Birds actually seems pretty common from what I'm looking at, it's just that I can't ever see myself being afraid of regular birds.  I've been attacked by two geese but I was a little kid and everyone knows geese and swans are big time pricks; very in your face, very confrontational by nature - the Sean Penns of the ornithological community.  An ostrich would be scary too, but in general I think I'm wary of any living creature that's 9 feet tall.  It's totally a size thing.  Like I'm not afraid of cats, but I wouldn't be too keen to spend one on one time with a tiger.  To just be afraid of an entire species as a whole (aside from sharks) is a totally bizarre sensation albeit one that I love.

Glenallen Hill fell through a glass table and cut himself all over trying to escape spiders he was having a nightmare about, Andy Roddick is afraid of the Easter Bunny, but my absolute all time favorite has to be Eric Berry and his fear of horses.  Especially considering every home game he has to divide his attention between being one of the best safeties in the league and making sure the Chiefs horse mascot doesn't bite him in the ass.

This Little 6 Year Old Hustler Made $11 Million Last Year Reviewing Toys on Youtube

Source - Ryan, who features on Ryan ToysReview, raked in $11 million from June 2016 to June 2017, according to Forbes. 

It ranked him joint eighth on the list of highest paid YouTubers last year. 

Ryan’s family are pretty happy with what he brings in after starting his YouTube channel in 2015 when he was just three years old. His mum Loann, a former science teacher, quit her job and started working on his account when she realised how much money could be made. 

Ryan now has ten million followers. 

His mother told TubeFilter: ‘Ryan was watching a lot of toy review channels — some of his favourites are EvanTubeHD and Hulyan Maya — because they used to make a lot of videos about Thomas the Tank Engine, and Ryan was super into Thomas. 

‘One day, he asked me, ‘How come I’m not on YouTube when all the other kids are?’ So we just decided — yeah, we can do that. Then, we took him to the store to get his very first toy — I think it was a Lego train set — and it all started from there.’



Ryan is a 6 year old kid who reviews toys online for fun and makes $11 million a year doing so, generating more views and ad revenue than all but seven people on Youtube.  Ryan makes so much fucking money that his mom straight up quit her job as a science teacher to manage a god damn Youtube account!  If you were to compare Ryan's annual earnings to that of the worlds top actresses and actors, he would fall somewhere between the 30-35th highest paid just behind Amy Adams.  This little gansta made more money than every single Jon Snow, Daenerys Targaryen, and Cersei, Jamie, and Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones, and he did it with less effort than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams.  I've always dreamed of being able to hustle as hard as Ryan and I'm an adult man in my mid-20s so nvy does not even begin to describe my feelings towards this.  

Like if I could sit around reviewing beer and tacos online for $11 million a year then I totally would, it's just not a realistic goal for me to have.  And that's coming from someone who actually has a relatively fully functioning brain.  Ryan is fucking 6, he can barely string a comprehensive sentence together.  I'm obviously not saying he's dumb, he's just a little kid.  But relative to most adult human beings, Ryan is pretty stupid, and yet here is he employing his own mother at the age of SIX!  

The only problem for the parents is what happens when Ryan grows up because kids develop faster in the social media age, that's just a fact.  Once this little dude gets fully lucid around the age of like 12-13 watch out.  He'll probably have a team of like two dozen other little minion toy reviewers and a half dozen lawyers, en route to launching his own real company, probably already worth nine figures easy at that point.  I'm sort of exaggerating but at the same time not really, he has 7 years until he's 13 and he's already worth what $15-20 million?  That's literally another full lifetime away for the kid, and he still won't even be in high school.  What a weird little world we live in.  

Big Baller Does Birštonas: Lavar Sends LiAngelo and LaMelo Ball to Lithuania on Pro Deals

Source - If you are one of the several people who have been clamoring for the Ball family to just go away, you (sort of) got your wish.

LaMelo and LiAngelo Ball are heading to Lithuania, after signing one-year deals to play professionally for the Lithuanian club Prienu Vytautas on Monday, according to multiple reports.

LaMelo, 16, and LiAngelo, 19, will now have the opportunity to play competitive basketball at the professional level after previously dropping out of their respective schools.

The boys' father LaVar Ball recently pulled LiAngelo out of UCLA due to frustrations stemming from the freshman’s indefinite suspension as a result of his shoplifting arrest in China. The loud-mouthed basketball dad previously pulled LaMelo out of Chino Hills High School in August in order to home school him and better prepare him for the 2020 NBA Draft.


One second you're living close to home in Los Angeles, getting ready to suit up for the legendary UCLA Bruins, the next you're on a plane to Lithuania to suit up and play professional ball in a stadium that can hold a whopping 1,500 people.  

The Ball’s to Lithuania is a disaster waiting to happen (I played there for a year and hated it). This is a picture of the teams gym that the Ball brothers would play at. Not exactly BIG BALLER material #BBB pic.twitter.com/STkQ57YRS5

— Ben Brust (@BenBrust) December 11, 2017

Even LaMelo has to hate this, he's been playing in high school games too big for this arena for the past two years with more of that slated for this season.  And now he is relegated to a gym that's smaller than most high schools in America, in a country where the warmest it ever gets is about 60-65 degrees in the summer time, to spend the next 2-3 years preparing for the NBA draft that he may or may not be good enough to get selected in.  And no offense to the Lithuanians, but LiAngelo was set to play a schedule against premiere West Coast talent, and that talent is far supreme to even the best Lithuanian basketball league.

Speaking of LiAngelo, you gotta think that kid's kicking himself right about now.  I mean does this even happen if he didn't steal some sunglasses in China?  He would probably still be at UCLA, currently getting bench minutes for the Bruins.  Sure, he wouldn't be a superstar but at least he would get to hang out with his buddies, chase after California girls, get some trickle down perks from his brother the rookie point guard of the local NBA team.  That was easy development.  

Unfortunately he did steal those sunglasses, among other things from what I've read.  And now he's getting shipped to eastern Europe, just a hop skip and a jump (or two for LiAngelo) from Moscow, Mother Russia and some the warmest people on earth.  House arrest in China probably looks pretty good right about now.

On the plus side, Lithuanian sausage truly is delicious so there is that small victory.  And now that they play in the Lithuanian league pretty much every victory is a small one so they better get used to 'em.

President Trump Declares We're Going Back to the Moon to Get Ready to Go to Mars But I'm Not Buying It For a Second

Source - President Donald Trump wants to send astronauts where no man has gone before.

Trump authorized the acting NASA administrator Robert M. Lightfoot Jr. to "lead an innovative space exploration program to send American astronauts back to the moon, and eventually Mars" during a White House signing ceremony.

Standing with retired astronauts and Vice President Mike Pence, Trump touted the initiative as the first step in establishing a foundation on the moon for "an eventual mission to Mars and perhaps someday to many worlds beyond."

"The directive I am signing today will refocus America's space program on human exploration and discovery," Trump said. "It marks an important step in returning American astronauts to the moon for the first time since 1972 for long-term exploration and use. This time we will not only plan on flag and leave our footprint."

Deputy White House press secretary Hogan Gidley said Monday that Trump's directive came after the National Space Council sent recommendations to the President.

"He will change our nation's human spaceflight policy to help America become the driving force for the space industry, gain new knowledge from the cosmos, and spur incredible technology," Gidley said Monday.



As much as I would love to believe that NASA is going to get on this whole Mars space race with Boeing and Elon Musk (and probably Russia and China because they're always up to something) I gotta call bullshit on this one.  The US government isn't particularly keen on sending people to Mars.  Sure, it sounds amazing and super dope, but it just doesn't seem like something that's going to be priority number one for a former real estate mogul who spends his time fighting media outlets and nonexistent invisible wars on Christmas.  So why exactly do I think it's bullshit?  Allow me to explain.

With Boeing and Tesla/SpaceX already involved in the race to Mars, wouldn't it be more pragmatic to just join efforts with one of theirs or maybe even Lockheed Martin, who we've obviously done a ton of super secret work with in the past, because they too are trying to develop a Mars program?  I understand that Elon Musk was born in South Africa but I'm pretty sure he has US citizenship and know for a fact that both SpaceX and Tesla are American companies, would he be so opposed to joining forces with the US government in this type of endeavor?  And if not Musk, then surely Boeing would invite NASA's help and expertise, especially considering their CEOs brash claims that Boeing will be the first to land on Mars.  Entering into this type of space race against private entities in our own backyard seems irresponsible and a waste of valuable resources.

So no, since I wasn't born yesterday I am not buying into this whole Mars charade.  But I will buy that Trump is going full Geppetto on this one, the puppetmaster back at his old tricks.  President Trump is clearly trying to spark a little Cold War space race type scenario with North Korea.  

Think about it.  North Korea thinks the US is going to fuck with them and blow them up with nukes, the US and pretty much everyone else on the planet fears North Korea will most likely try to do the same if they can ever get their rockets working.  Well, it seems they got their rockets working, and now it's time to flip the script on their asses.  

Trump is going to get their mind off nukes and onto the moon and Mars, inciting a fervent space race that 100% shifts their focus off of nuclear advancements and onto the stars.  Over the next 6 months or so he will further hype the solar system and the United States influence on it, stating that only the smartest countries with the greatest leaders are brave enough to explore the vast expanse that is our universe.  Belittling nuclear research, saying outdated it is and how that's a prehistoric way of thinking, that the real power is in the stars or some bullshit.  


Meanwhile back in Pyongyang, Kim Jong Un is seething because he still has no idea that he's being fucked with.  He starts to think that North Korea is late to the game again, nukes are too old school.  The rest of the world is out here building real life spaceships trying to explore the galaxy, make peace treaties with aliens.  Kim just recently watched Guardians of the Galaxy (the first one, he still hasn't gotten a good bootleg of the sequel unfortunately) and even though he himself is intelligent enough to know that it is only a piece of fiction based off comic books, it seems the rest of the world is trying to make it a reality and he's getting left in the dust.  And he knows if the Americans meet aliens, they're definitely going to try to talk shit about him because that's what they always do, making fun of his hair and weight and how he can't feed his countrymen.  Assholes.  Plus, if everyone flew into outer space, he was pretty sure that North Korea would lose all internet access.  They never figured it out, they just borrow China's WiFi password, and at that point the Supreme Leader realizes that he cannot let this happen.  First thing tomorrow morning he is going to announce that North Korea is going to Mars, but first he has to call China to see if they can help his scientists figure out how to get to the moon.  Right after he has a couple more pieces of cheese.







So appropriate:

Are These Palm Trees Tryna Give The Pipe?

Hugely disappointing that there isn't any snow on the ground.  Everyone sloshing around in wet white stuff would really add to the allure of it all.  

Small pro tip: these lights were clearly strung during the daytime.  Always hang your lights at night so you get the full effect that you're going for and don't accidentally string up a bunch of sparkly, shimmering fully erect penises seemingly in the process ejaculating all over the promenade.  That's what I always say.

Check Out the Fucking Balls on This Koala

Holy smokes can you believe the balls on this guy?  First things first pal, this ain't your fucking house so please don't scare my dog that's just straight up rude.  And second, I thought the whole bear part of koala bear was just a joke because they look like teddy bears.  Isn't that solely due to appearance or are they actually part of the genus Ursus because that thing just growled like a real actual bear and I for one am not a fan.

I'm out on koalas after seeing this.  It isn't a fear thing, like I'm not going to cross the street if I see one walking towards me, but that growl was a big time turnoff. I don't really give a fuck about cute and cuddly if once I get close it turns out you're a total asshole.  Koalas seem too moody for me, I don't need that shit.  Australian animals as a whole seem like dickheads.  People think Florida is weird but Australia probably has way more stuff than can kill you.  God bless those people, they're absolutely insane in the best possible way and tough as nails, I can honestly say I wouldn't last two weeks there.  Everything can kill you: sharks, snakes, spiders, crocodiles, probably this koala.  I would go out like a total bitch too, stung by some super deadly tiny jellyfish while standing in ankle deep water.  In the end it would be my own unwillingness to explore the deeper ocean that would do me in, a cruel and tragic irony indeed.

PS - Clem?

Former 5 Star QB Shea Patterson is Leaving Ole Miss for Ann Arbor

Source - Jim Harbaugh has a new quarterback to mold, as Shea Patterson announced Monday that he is transferring to Michigan. Patterson, a former No. 1 recruit in the 2016 class, is the highest-ranked quarterback that Harbaugh has ever had. Even Andrew Luck, whom Harbaugh coached at Stanford, was only a four-star recruit.

The now-former Ole Miss QB announced he was exploring the possibility of a transfer a few weeks ago after NCAA penalties against Ole Miss were announced. The possibility is now a reality.

There is still a question of whether Patterson will be eligible to play in 2018. While the NCAA announced all Ole Miss seniors could transfer without sitting out the requisite season, other players will have to appeal to the NCAA first. Should Patterson win his appeal, he'll be eligible to play in 2018. If not he'll have to sit out the season and won't be able to play until 2019, but no matter what happens, he'll have two seasons left to play.

If Shea Patterson is eligible to play next season then Michigan just became a threat again.  Keep in mind that this was the top ranked QB of his class, someone who drew comparisons to Johnny Football for his ability to scramble and improvise on the move.  Harbaugh has always shown the ability to mold a quarterback given they have the necessary tools - Wilton Speight just didn't happen to have those tools.  As for Patterson, he's oozing with raw talent.  He competed for the starting role from day one in Oxford and took over the reigns later in his first season for the Rebels, immediately showcasing why scouts marveled at his ability.  He flashed many of the same skills early on this season before going down with a torn PCL.  Assuming he comes back healthy with the same mobility, watch out.

He's going to help their run game, he's going to help their pass game, he is the type of player who can breathe life into what has been an incredibly slow, incredibly boring Michigan offense.  Now Big Blue can run an offense that can keep up with the Buckeyes and Penn State, especially with the Nittany Lions bound to lose all world running back Saquon Barkley, starting quarterback Trace McSorley, and playmaking tight end Mike Gesicki.  If you want a close Big Ten comparison for Shea Patterson, McSorley is a pretty solid one, albeit one with significantly less natural talent than Patterson.

If Harbaugh can keep his defense up to par (he can and will), look for Michigan to legitimately compete for a Big Ten Championship.  Obviously Patterson will still have to compete with returning QBs Dylan McCaffrey and Brandon Peters - two players who were promised a quarterback competition - but seeing as how Patterson has already shown his playmaking abilities in an SEC West teeming with NFL, I'm confident he will be the guy.  Assuming he can play this year, which knowing the NCAA is not even close to being a guarantee.  

The Victor Oladipo Show is Here to Stay

I am officially OK with the Paul George trade after last night.  I've been holding my breath and really trying not to get too excited too quickly but I can't hold it in anymore I just can't, not after watching Oladipo almost drop a 50 spot in possibly his best game as a pro.  I don't know what it is about this kid and the state of Indiana but it is absolute magic.  It was magic when he was in college and it's magic again, I never want him to leave.  He is a completely different player this year, and it definitely has a lot more to do with being the go-to option and playing on a younger team where he's viewed as a leader, but a small part of me just thinks it's a comfort thing.  First a Hoosier, now a Pacer, the kid the performs in this state.

47 points, 7 rebounds, and 6 assists is no jokes.  What makes it even more impressive was the fact that he was 15-28 overall and 6-12 from the 3 point line, bringing his season average to 44% from deep.  And that's on over six attempts per game, so Vic ain't fucking around.  Long thought to be a streaky shooter, he is finally finding consistency with the Pacers and that is not by accident.  Coach McMillan deserves a great deal of credit for it because of the way he has designed this offense.  They play aggressive, selfless basketball and create a lot of wide open looks.  Those wide open looks have led to a waaay higher percentage of easy, uncontested 3 pointers for Oladipo. 

Outside of last night's superstar, the rest of the team played extremely well.  Thaddeus Young put up 18 on 8-11 shooting with a couple huge 3 pointers down the stretch.  Myles Turner put up 24 on 10-15 and played great defense at the rim.  Unfortunately he was outworked on a lot of rebounds but Kenneth Faried is an absolute psycho around the rim and pretty much outworks everyone so not a ton you can do there.  Sabonis did his thing as usual, and Lance played 36 excellent minutes off the bench which was huge because Cory Joseph didn't have his best night so we needed the extra guard help.  All in all, it was closer than I would liked but a huge win nonetheless.  Got a few days off then a tough one at home against OKC.  Oladipo revenge game, let's ride.

Little bonus clip for the ladies: Vic the crooner, so seductive.

World Famous Scrabble Superstar Allan Simmons Banned for Cheating, Devastating the Sport

Source - The Association of British Scrabble players has banned a star player for three years after an investigation found that he had broken the rules. 

Allan Simmons, who had written books on the game, contributed game coverage to The Times. However the newspaper has said it will no longer use his work as a result of the ban. 

Three witnesses described seeing him put a hand with freshly drawn letter tiles back into the scrabble bag to pick new tiles – breaking the rules. Elie Dangoor, a committee member of the association, said: ‘The natural conclusion had been that he had been cheating.’ 

Simmons told the Times he denied cheating, and that he had suffered the same ‘untimely bad luck from the bag as anyone else.’ 

‘You have to remember that at the top level, games can be quite intense and there’s a lot going through one’s mind let alone remembering to religiously ensure tile drawing rules are followed meticulously,’ Simmons told the Times. 

‘From the outset I have said that no one is beyond suspicion and complied fully with the investigative process. There’s no one person bigger than the game,’ Dangoor said. The Times quoted him as saying he planned to concentrate on ‘more important things in life.’



Just an absolute bombshell out of the competitive board games community today as longtime Scrabble legend Allan Smmons was found guilty of cheating and banned from the very YMCA basements and high school gyms he dominated for such a long time.  I, like many of you, grew up idolizing Simmons and the way he played the tiles - marveling at his worded wizardy as he coasted to five British Matchplay Scrabble Championships, four Scottish Championships, three UK Masters titles, as well as the UK National Scrabble Championship once.  Who could forget?

I'm still absolutely reeling from the news, personally.  I never in a million years thought Simmons would become the Alex Rodriguez of the board gaming universe, it just seems so out of character.  Luckily the ban is only for 3 years so he should be able to make a comeback attempt as long as his body will let him.  Athletes bodies all quit on them eventually, it's just a matter of when.  

Toddler Acquires Alpha Status in Canadian Household

Source - A Canadian mother has won social fame for her unique response to her child's wall drawing.  

Dr Eric Massicotte returned home to find his wife had framed and labelled their child's wall scribble like a gallery pieceTwitter Ads info and privacy


He posted photos to Twitter, "Your kids are going to do things they shouldn't. It helps if you married someone with a sense of humour."

The thread has been liked more than 80,000 times and re-tweeted over 30,000 times. 

Twitter users were quick to share their own stories of errant children, from head-sized holes in walls to constantly disappearing cutlery.

This right here is exactly why the internet is frustrating to me, just everyone basically running around and patting themselves on the back for doing nothing, literally nothing.  A couple Canadians were too timid and polite to yell at someone...wow you don't say.  Staggering news.

And by no means am I trying to dog on our neighbors to the North. Everyone who knows me knows I love Canadians.  I have tons of Canadian friends, I once hooked up with a Canadian, my little sister once brought home a Canadian guy and the whole family was super chill about it.  I am all Canada all the time but enough is enough.  Canada's adults need to start sticking up for themselves otherwise this up and coming generation of new millenials is going to eat those folks alive and rip that country to shreds from the inside out.  These kids are going to walk all over their parents for the next 50 years if they don't start establishing some ground rules immediately.  Rule #1: if you suck at art, your shit doesn't get to stay on the wall, and if your picture looks like if a Christmas tree fucked a house, that qualifies as not being good enough for the wall.

It might seem like an overreaction but his is how it all starts.  First they let the kid get away with drawing on the walls and then what's next, murder? 

Could be.

The Jacoby Brissett Trade Looks Genius Right Now

I've been talking to a few of my buddies all day about the Colts game, arguing over whether or not winning games is good because we want to get as high a pick as possible.  That is absolute bullshit.

I'm a firm believer that you should always try to compete.  Sure, some teams are just way better than others, but you always want players to have that mentality that winning is always priority number one.  I also pointed out that these late game situations are invaluable for Jacoby Brissett.  Because IF (and it's still a huge if) Andrew Luck takes longer than expected, we don't want the team at a stand still while we wait.  Jacoby Brissett is the quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts for the foreseeable future, and he's been doing a damn good job so far given the circumstances. 

And if Luck is ready to go at the start of next season, the we'll have a legit backup QB for the first time this century.  All I'm saying is giving up a receiver isn't really a terrible loss considering these three things:

1. We don't have our franchise signal caller to throw the ball.  Obviously Brissett has done well, but who would have expected him to have come in and shown this kind of competency right off the bat as a second year, third string guy?  Not me that's for sure.
   
2.  We have plenty of receivers.  Kamar Aiken, TY Hilton, and Donte Moncrief are all better options.  And with Jack Doyle also getting grabs there really wasn't ever a ton of balls for Dorsett, especially when he's basically a worse version of TY.  Maybe we lost a little something in the return game but that's about it.
   
3. Dorsett was drafted by Ryan Grigson, noted cunt.  His complete and utter lack of success rate speaks for itself.  Pretty fucking terrible.  Dorsett never had a chance.

The Bella Vista Baptist Church is Nasty As Fuccc

Source - A church in Florida is changing its outdoor sign after a message about forgiveness was misinterpreted by many as a sexual innuendo.

The white board outside the Bella Villa Baptist Church in Edgewater read on Friday: 'Forgiveness is swallowing when you want to spit.'

A woman in the community posted the sign on Facebook, saying she was driving past the sign and made a U-turn to come back and take a photo.

Several commented on the hilarious post, with one person writing: 'Don't think they thought this through.'

Others wrote: 'I can't believe it.' 

Another posted the photo on Instagram and captioned it: 'I think someone is a little mad at their wife.'

Representatives from the church told Local 10 News the sign was 'completely innocent' and was 'intended as encouragement to forgive'.



I touched on the terrors of Florida in the previous blog, this is one of the few beauties.  Just an incredibly unique and vivid interpretation of the good lord's word.  Amen, indeed!

And fuck the representatives of the church. Not for saying it was completely innocent, that part is totally legit.  It's a completely harmless joke, but that's exactly what it clearly is - a joke.  You can't stick a giant sign with bold letters in our face talking about spitting and swallowing and not know exactly where our minds are going.  Shame on you Bella Vista Baptist Church.  

I Am 100% Not OK With Bears Walking Around Florida Fucking With Dogs

Source - FORT LAUDERDALE - Three-year-old Mary Jane is one lucky, and loyal, dog. She has extensive serious injuries after being attacked by a bear.

It happened near Ft. Lauderdale - an unusual place for bear sightings.

Mary Jane was being taken on an evening walk when she took off running. Her veterinarian says the dog was playing with a bear cub when the mama bear jumped in. Then Mary Jane seemed to focus on protecting the woman walking her.

"So her wounds are pretty extensive,” explained Dr. Ashley Villatoro with Ft. Lauderdale Veterinary Specialists. “We always worry about wounds to the body wall. But in her case, she was very lucky."

The dog has a lot of puncture wounds all over her body.

But doctors say she's doing remarkably well and should go home soon.


First and foremost, big time shout out to the hero of this whole situation - Mary Jane.  Unbelievably brave, pretty, and very good girl.  I know some people think it's overplayed but dogs really are the fucking best, and I for one will never tire of singing their praises.  To be honest, I feel like the internet era is the first time we're really all appreciating the awesomeness that is man's (or woman's, not tryna be sexist) best friend together, as a group.  Feels good.

Secondly, this is clearly the owners fault.  I don't mean to stereotype here but if you name your dog Mary Jane then you are 1000% percent a stoner and the fact that this owner is anonymous in this whole ordeal makes me question their legitimacy.  I would put all my money on the chick walking MJ being stoned as fuck, she was probably marveling at an iguana walking along a fence or something because remember, we are in Florida.  Meanwhile, super friendly girl Mary Jane was trying to goof off with a bear cub only to come face to face with Big Mama.  Scary!  But she made it out alive with a few scrapes, but she's recovering so that's good news.
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Overall I don't really know how to react, I'm torn.  I fuck with bears big time.  Pedals the Bear is one of the all time funniest animals and from what I've read, is a big time sweetheart and not a total piece of shit despite being from New Jersey.  

But at the same time if I have to choose Team Bear or Team Dog, there's not even a choice.  I don't want to say we should go to Florida and kill all the bears - mostly because I don't want to step foot in Florida - but at the same time, Mary Jane deserves some form of justice, right?  I guess it's not my dog so I really shouldn't give two shits, but MJ is a real ride or die bitch and those are very hard to come by.

 Compromise: If a bear hurts my dog I'm going to kill it because I'm a good owner and wouldn't let my dog try to sacrifice itself for my own well-being without also showing it that I, too ride or die.  BUT if it happens in Florida we just kind of leave it alone.  

Also, how about this line..."It happened near Ft. Lauderdale - an unusual place for bear sightings."  

I don't know who the author of this is, it doesn't say, but if you live in Florida and are surprised by what animals you're seeing, then you have not lived in Florida for a very long time.  Florida has GIANT SNAKES from FUCKING ASIA that have just become native, they are currently dominating all other small animals and fucking up the Everglades.  Florida has big cats, feral cats, pigs, snakes, gators, crocs, bugs scientists don't even know about. It's one big science experiment with mutant animals and live human testing for the next generation of amphetamines.  What a place, man, what a place.

UPDATE: 

Upon doing further research on Pedals the Bear I have unfortunately learned that he is widely believed to be dead, murdered by some nefarious hunter in New Jersey.  Just an absolutely tragic turn of events.  One second you're flipping through old Pedals the Bear gifs and videos, the next he's dead.  RIP Pedals, the world lost a real one.